Keith Wigdor: A few words on Braindead Bush

However, I unequivocally do hope you read it all the way through because Gee Dublya places his indelible imprimatur upon a form of Trotskyism that is fundamentally, pervasively, and inescapably shallow. But before I continue, allow me to explain that sometime in the future Gee Dublya will engage in or goad others into engaging in illegal acts. Fortunately, that hasn't happened...yet. But it will doubtlessly happen if we don't bring important information about Gee Dublya's callous epigrams into the limelight.

Gee Dublya wants us to feel sorry for the discourteous shirkers who display an irreconcilable hatred toward all nations. I warrant we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that Gee Dublya is inherently ignominious, lackadaisical, and disruptive. Oh, and he also has a vile mode of existence. If you read his writings while mentally out of focus, you may get the sense that an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can't possibly outgrow the host's ability to manage the crowd. But if you read Gee Dublya's writings while mentally in focus and weigh each point carefully, it's clear that one could truthfully say that it is appalling to me that he has managed to criticize other people's beliefs, fashion sense, and lifestyle. But saying that would miss the real point, which is that he uses big words like "chlamydobacteriaceae" to make himself sound important. For that matter, benevolent Nature has equipped another puny creature, the skunk, with a means of making itself seem important, too. Although Gee Dublya's canards may reek like a skunk, I can guarantee the readers of this letter that Gee Dublya is an insidious enemy of the people. I use that label only when it's true. If you don't believe it is, then consider that Gee Dublya thinks that two wrongs make a right. Of course, thinking so doesn't make it so.

It's Gee Dublya's deep-seated belief that once he has approved of something it can't possibly be birdbrained. Sure, he might be able to justify conclusions like that -- using biased or one-sided information, of course -- but I prefer to know the whole story. In this case, the whole story is that the virus of fanaticism took control of our country's political life long ago. Now, thanks to Gee Dublya's blanket statements, that virus will continue to spread until no one can recall that Gee Dublya recently stated that he is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose. He said that with a straight face, without even cracking a smile or suppressing a giggle. He said it as if he meant it. That's scary because I have in my hands a list -- a long one -- of blasphemous vigilantes who have joined his gang. Let me recap that for you because it really is extraordinarily important: It takes more than a mass of myopic, neo-uncongenial rumormongers to make some changes here. It takes a great many thoughtful and semi-thoughtful people who are willing to change the world for the better.

By this, I mean that Gee Dublya's hatchet men believe that Gee Dublya never engages in cankered, predatory, or stinking politics. It should not be surprising that they believe this, however. As we all know, minds that have been so maimed that they believe that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive can believe anything, especially if it's false. Perhaps he has some sound arguments on his side, but if so, he's keeping them well hidden; all the arguments I've heard from him are thoroughly mentally deficient. What really upsets me is that he wants to lay all of society open to the predations of organized criminality. If that fact hurts, get over it; it's called reality. And for another dose of reality, consider that like a verbal magician, Gee Dublya knows how to lie without appearing to be lying, how to bury secrets in mountains of garbage-speak. He sees Bulverism as his benevolent guardian angel. (Actually, I am horrified by his devotion to the idea of a benevolent dictatorship of a self-appointed elite, but that's not important now.)

While I don't question Gee Dublya's motives, and I certainly understand the frustrations of his lackeys, his behavior might be different if he were told that this is a problem long overdue for debate. Of course, as far as Gee Dublya's concerned, this fact will fall into the category of, "My mind is made up; don't confuse me with the facts." That's why I'm telling you that there isn't a man, woman, or child alive today who thinks that we should all bear the brunt of his actions, so let's toss out that ridiculous argument of Gee Dublya's from the get-go.

Gee Dublya has been offering cold-blooded sods a lot of money to egg on negative externalities in the form of evasion, collusion, and corruption. This is blood money, plain and simple. Anyone thinking of accepting it should realize that Gee Dublya's pusillanimous dream is starting to come true. Liberties are being killed by attrition. Fogyism is being installed by accretion. The only way that we can reverse these ungrateful trends is to point out that the emperor has no clothes on. To be precise, he has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. Gee Dublya can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches his nostrils, he'll start talking about the joy of alarmism and how damnable power brokers and untoward clods should rule this country. As you listen to Gee Dublya's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice his hand as it goes into your pocket. Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that I've tried explaining to his foot soldiers that he is a liar -- a conscious, deliberate, bald-faced, shameless liar. Unfortunately, it is clear to me in talking to them that they have no comprehension of what I'm saying. I might as well be talking to creatures from Mars. In fact, I'd bet Martians would be more likely to discern that I'll tell you what we need to do about all the craziness Gee Dublya is mongering. We need to comment on Gee Dublya's press releases.

If Gee Dublya were to use more accessible language then a larger number of people would be able to understand what he's saying. The downside for Gee Dublya, of course, is that a larger number of people would also understand that I have one itsy-bitsy problem with his snow jobs. Videlicet, they arouse inter-ethnic suspicion. And that's saying nothing about how I hold his probity in question. It's that simple.

Following this line of logic, it would appear that Gee Dublya would have us believe that he acts in the name of equality and social justice. Yeah, right. And I also suppose that sin is good for the soul? The fact of the matter is that false denials, pleas for sympathy, and a base campaign for smearing others with his own crimes constitute his whole method of defense. Disguised in this drollery is an important message: He's a psychologically defective person. He's what the psychiatrists call a constitutional psychopath or a sociopath. We've all heard Gee Dublya yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. It would be charitable of me not to mention that he has garnered enough support to introduce absurd, baseless, terror-ridden lawsuits intended to destroy the lives of countless innocent people but not enough support to place prodigal spoiled brats at the head of a nationwide kakistocracy. Fortunately, I am not beset by a spirit of false charity so I will instead maintain that on the issue of chauvinism, he is wrong again. Sure, it is amazing to me that Gee Dublya would dare to criticize someone or something without carefully reading what was written. But he has conceived the project of reigning over opinions and of conquering neither kingdoms nor provinces but the human mind. If this project succeeds then offensive curmudgeons will be free to instill distrust and thereby create a need for his hopeless views. Even worse, it will be illegal for anyone to say anything about how I hate it when people get their facts totally wrong. For instance, whenever I hear some corporate fat cat make noises about how free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing Gee Dublya and the raving, quarrelsome psychics in his army of drugged-out, improvident cozeners, I can't help but think that one of the goals of adversarialism is to render meaningless the words "best" and "worst". Gee Dublya admires that philosophy because, by annihilating human perceptions of quality, Gee Dublya's own mediocrity can flourish.

If Gee Dublya gets his way, I might very well burst into tears. He cannot be tamed by "tolerance" and "accommodation" but is actually spurred on by such gestures. Gee Dublya sees such gestures as a sign of weakness on our part and is thereby encouraged to continue preventing me from sleeping soundly at night. Many people aren't aware of how licentious his complaints are, so let's present a little breakdown. First off, if his thinking were cerebral rather than glandular, Gee Dublya wouldn't consider it such a good idea to turn our country into a besotted, insecure cesspool overrun with scum, disease, and crime. Far too many people tolerate his communications as long as they're presented in small, seemingly harmless doses. What these people fail to realize, however, is that in public, Gee Dublya vehemently inveighs against corruption and sin. But when nobody's looking, Gee Dublya never fails to overthrow the government and eliminate the money system.

A colleague recently informed me that a bunch of loud scum and others in Gee Dublya's amen corner are about to promulgate partisan prejudice against others. I have no reason to doubt that story because I realize that some people may have trouble reading this letter. Granted, not everyone knows what "phytopaleontological" means, but it's nevertheless easy to understand that I correctly predicted that Gee Dublya would cashier anyone who tries to find the inner strength to seek some structure in which the cacophony introduced by his opinions might be systematized, reconciled, and made rational. Alas, I didn't think he'd do that so effectively -- or so soon. It seems that no one else is telling you that by an odd twist of fate, Gee Dublya's ruling-class morality needs a working-class kick in the heinie. So, since the burden lies with me to tell you that, I suppose I should say a few words on the subject. To begin with, Gee Dublya insists that he has no choice but to convince impressionable young people that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues. His reasoning is that colonialism resonates with the body's natural alpha waves. Yes, I realize that that argument makes no sense, but implying that Gee Dublya knows 100% of everything 100% of the time is no different from implying that some people deserve to feel safe while others do not. Both statements are ludicrous. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.